As I sit and look at the calendar, I cant believe that it is October already. October is a month that holds many emotions for me. Ironically, it is Breast Cancer Awarness month. Two years ago, Mom's cancer reared its ugly head again~ overtaking her body. Spreading like wild fire. I was eating at Subway in Tulsa and remember hearing Mom's voice saying something to me over the phone..... but not really listening to the words she was telling me "I have some bad news, the cancer is back, and its in my liver, and..........." From there I heard nothing but my own fear. I remember being 7 hours away from her, and never being so "homesick" in my entire life. I wanted my Mom, I wanted to be with her. I needed my "family". The rest of the day was a blur. I left my boys in Tulsa that night, drove straight to Lincoln early the next morning--crying the whole way home. I stayed in Lincoln for 2 weeks. I couldnt come back to Oklahoma. I was terrified to leave her. I think she sensed my fear--as that special Mom bond we have, she could read my mind and see right into my heart. She looked at me and said to me "Jen, no matter what happens, I want you to promise me that you are going to go home and be a Mom to your boys." And at that point I knew that I had to honer her wish. I pulled myself and faced reality. I had to face reality. I had to be a Mommy...a wife. I had to go home.
Hugging her, was painful. I struggled to put on a smile, fighting back the tears. And thinking to myself....is this the last time I will ever hug her and tell her I love her. How could I tell her goodbye. It seemed so final. I struggled the whole way home wondering ~how would I ever be able to live in a world without Mom...would I be able to survive.
Looking back two years later...
I now know that--that October day wasnt the last time I hugged Mom. I had an amazing husband who understood the bond that I had with my Mom and encouraged my need to be in Nebraska over the next 8 months. Somehow I spent an incredible amount of time in Lincoln. Between Jason and his parents, they miraculously kept normalcy for the boys.
I heard her voice the last time on June 3, at 853pm. That moment is etched in my brain. As I told her goodbye and I told her I loved her...she started to tell me goodbye but stopped herself saying "Ill talk to you soon." I hold onto those words.
Mom lost her battle on June 4, 2007 at 200pm. I was with her the day she died, as was my entire family. We each took turns holding her hand and telling her we loved her and that we would be okay.
Two years later...I know that I can survive without my Mom. And I still hold onto the fact that ..I'll talk to her again.
We finally took the plunge and carved pumpkins. The past couple of years we took the easy route and painted them. But, this year the boys wanted real Jack-o-Lanterns. At first my Mommy brain thought "OH NO we can paint some again -----that's FUN." But then I stopped and realized that I couldnt remember a Halloween when I was growing up that WE didnt carve pumpkins. Dad, Mom, Michael and I would all gather around the kitchen table and go at it. Dad was always the official carver. Mom usually drew the faces on. Michael and I dug in and got all the goo out. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldnt tell you what I went as for Halloween; but I could tell you how much fun I had carving those pumpkins. And I want our boys to have those kind of memories too. Not that we wouldnt have had fun painting the faces on---but really there's nothing like carving a Jack-o-Lantern.
Daddy was the official carver. Yes, we broke a knife and there was some eye rolling. But, I think he had ALMOST as much fun as the boys did. Although he swears that his parents NEVER got pumpkins for him to carve when he was little.
Grant scooped out his pumpkin with a VERY long handled spoon. He was NOT about to get the "guts" on his hands.
Grant touched the "guts" for the first time and DID NOT like it. OH BOY DID HE NOT WANT TO GET DIRTY.
Ryan, however, had NO problem getting down and dirty with the pumpkins. He had SO much fun. He hasnt laughed that hard in a LONG time. It was music to my ears to hear him giggle.
